Understanding the Ego

Ego is one’s sense of self. It is anything we attach after ‘I’. This is that inner voice, that labels, analyses, and judges. It is our self-image, our identity internalized in the form of our thoughts and emotions. It is what separates you from others. Collective ego is what manifests in the “us v/s them” mentality.

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, first coined the term ego, along with id and superego, as a basic structure of the human mind that shapes personality. No story on ego is complete without mentioning Freud. The ego rationalizes as it operates on the reality principle, moderating between the id (governed by pleasure principle) and superego (governed by morality principle). The ego is that which strikes the balance between impulses, instincts on one hand and ideals, morals, ‘doing right’, on the other.

Purpose of the Ego: Our experiences, starting right from childhood unto now, frame the ego. In actuality, it is a means of self-preservation, it protects us. It acts defensively towards anything unknown. It perceives anything new as a threat. The ego favors familiarity in order to keep us safe. In everyday life, it helps us save face. However, this also keeps us stuck in anticipating the future based on the past. It hinders growth when misguided. This is why old habits die hard.

Identifying Ego Stories: It is commonly observed at play in people who are too-full-of-themselves, who think of themselves as more important than others and consider themselves to be better than others. This sometimes takes the form of becoming unreceptive, seeking recognition by pushing one’s opinions onto others. An inflated sense of self is what turns confidence into arrogance. Oh, there’s more! That constant self-sabotaging chatter in your head of not being enough or being less than them, or that which says I can’t or this is not for me? Well, that’s ego too. This can sometimes take a hidden form of seeking reassurance through achievement. Ego is what spins a concern into an obsession.

You are not your ego. Ego is the part of the mind telling us stories to preserve the self we’ve created over the years. Remembering that these are just stories will help you separate from them and gradually change how you respond to them. The ego is neither good nor bad, it is simply a part of us, a function of the mind that makes sense of who we are and what we experience.

Working with the ego: You can employ the ego as a tool at your service. Working with your ego is a process. Like all good things, it’s a practice and it takes time.

Be Aware: Allow thoughts and emotions to surface without passing judgments. Self-validation is therapeutic, for real!
Recognize: Notice when you’re being reactive or defensive, and observe the ego protecting its sense of self.
Pause and take an alternate or third-person perspective. It helps gain objectivity.
Listen Actively: Pay attention to what the other person is saying. More often than not, we’re waiting for our chance to talk, to reply, instead of really listening and being present.
Receive with an open heart the gift of vulnerability, for it cracks the ego with the newness of each step into unchartered territory.

These practices act as reminders for us to get-out-of-our-heads, depersonalize, and see situations as they are. Realizing that it’s not about all you is liberating. It’s a reminder to not take life too seriously for you might just miss out on living at all. Why so serious?

Way Forward: The humanistic perspective proposes the idea of actualization. It calls on to a ‘calling in life’, that brings with it satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment. This force is what motivates us to pursue action and realize our full potential as humans. Our actions pave the path and lead us to the ideal self.

Healing the ego awakens the consciousness of presence, of being, of life. This is big! The ego is absent when we are in ‘flow’. It is a state of doing, doing any task that we enjoy in a way that we fully embrace it as is. In a state like this, we don’t demand attention or waste energy on feelings of resentment. This produces real quality; when we do something without it being a means to an end.

I know this can feel confusing and overwhelming or like ‘this is not for you’. Recognize that your ego is offering resistance. Do the work for you deserve more. Let it go.

Some words just say it all. Quoted below are a few words on ego, and how it keeps us from the Lord; an allusion to the true, authentic self-

“I came out alone on my way to my tryst. But who is this that follows me in the silent dark?

I move aside to avoid his presence but I escape him not.

He makes the dust rise from the earth with his swagger;

he adds his loud voice to every word that I utter.

He is my own little self, my lord, he knows no shame;

but I am ashamed to come to thy door in his company.”

Rabindranath Tagore