Depression does strange things to your head. It can be really difficult to describe what’s going on inside you, and because it’s not always so obvious to those around you, it is difficult for others to help you if they don’t know. Depression also isn’t stable; it has its highs and lows and can change over time.
One of depression’s greatest tricks is the ability to make you doubt you have it. This doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does it hits hard. It’s confusing and can throw all your coping techniques out of the window. Everybody knows what it feels like to doubt yourself; doubting depression can be a real brain-ache.
First off, remember that nobody chooses to have depression. The darkness and anguish and all the other horrible symptoms you experience with it are not a good thing. When we pretend to be something else, as a kid or an adult dressing up, chances are it’s something fun. Stepping away from yourself and being a different character for a few hours is supposed to be enjoyable. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, you can be pretty certain you are not pretending.
Some days can feel lighter than others. There can be moments, days, weeks, years where you feel fine. These moments can make us doubt depression. It’s common to think that you can’t have depression if you laughed at a joke, but that’s completely wrong. Depression doesn’t stop us from experience little moments of happiness. During the good days, the brain likes to play the trick on us and make us feel like depression was never that bad after all.
On the other hand, some days can feel awful. Even then you may doubt your feelings and think that you’re not that bad, and that you can just get over it. Even when your brain is telling you that you are an imbecile, it is important to have the courage to ask for help.
Not having an official diagnosis, but experiencing the symptoms, may make you worry that you are making them up. Going to the general practitioner (GP) is the best thing you can do, but you may have your own personal reasons why you don’t want to do this. Not wanting an official diagnosis is common, or you may feel like you don’t have enough symptoms to warrant a visit to the GP. Having a few symptoms is no different to having them all, and our experiences are valid whether they have a name or not. Equally, missing some symptoms doesn’t mean your diagnosis is invalid. We all experience things in our own individual ways.
Another common trick, which my brain used to play on me all the time, is am I depressed, or am I thinking about depression? We can go round and round in circles worrying whether we actually have depression, or we’re simply thinking about it a lot. We can debate every single symptom and give it an alternative explanation, but that isn’t going to make it go away. Again, if you are noticing a few symptoms, it’s worth seeing a medical professional to confirm it. Not only are you reaching out for help, you will be settling your mind by asking the same question over and over again.
If the outcome is that you’re not suffering with depression, that’s a good thing! The doctor won’t laugh at you for thinking that way, and it teaches us that asking for help isn’t that bad. They can then focus on helping you with any of the symptoms you have been getting and find out if there is another possible cause.
If you’ve lived with depression for a long time, it’s probably become normal for you. After a while, you may start to wonder if our symptoms are really symptoms because they are just what we are used to and we couldn’t imagine living any differently. Talking to others, whether that be a medical professional or a friend, will help you rationalise your thoughts and put things into perspective. It may be that you are now in recovery from depression – in that case GPs will be able to help you with what comes next.
Whatever your head tells you, it’s important to remember that there are loads of people out there who are able to help you. The brain is the most powerful part of the body, but that doesn’t mean we have to listen to it when it’s playing tricks on us. Remember to take some time away from your mind and do something you love. DO your best to shut out the noise for five minutes and enjoy the peace and quiet. You deserve it.
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