No matter what’s our age, we always have a small child inside us; who demands love, attention, care, respect and sometimes more.
When a child is born parents could be happy and sad, depending on expectations they had before the child was born. Once the child is born and when the brain starts developing; what as a parent, guardian or family members behave among themselves in front of the child or how they treat the child becomes a subconscious part of the child life long; even if the child has become an adult in the age of 30- 40 or beyond.
1. Example of a person who is violent towards his wife
The reason could be – He has seen abusive and violent behaviour in his family. That time he was feeling powerless, unsecured, fearful, helpless and could not do something.
Projection – When he is grown up now, he projects the same behaviour towards other family members like his wife, children to feel powerful, fearless, secure.
The spark has always been there in the unconscious mind and if someone tries to become or seem more powerful in front of him but can be easily sabotaged, that gets triggered and reforms into the same abusive and violent behaviour that he was always scared of.
2. Example – Sexual offenders
While counselling, the most disturbing thing that I have come across is sexual offenders. More often than not they themselves were sexually violated as children. When they molest children, they are reenacting the abuse they had experienced.
3. Trust issues
Patrick Carnes stated,” A person who never learnt to trust confuses intensity with intimacy, obsession with care and control with security.”
When a child sees his parents never trusted each other, he manifests the same.
A client had two divorces and was never having any successful relationship. While counselling, it came out that she was not able to trust her partners. If any partner was possessive, she used to think he was caring which was unconsciously hurting her self-esteem every day but she made her mind believe he loves her and care for her. While digging deep she opened up realizing her parents always had trust issues and she was trying to trust her partner but somehow, she couldn’t and she wasn’t realizing her thought process.
“A witness to violence is a victim to violence”
Different people act out in different ways because in childhood most of the events are submerged in the subconscious and sometimes unconscious as they were not able to express; they become the person they have seen from childhood.
How to heal?
1. Question yourself
About why you are reacting this way. Dig yourself deeper without blaming the other person whom you projected violence, anger or abuse or any particular behaviour which is persistent and more common.
Imagine that the grown-up you are sitting in a movie theatre looking at a blank screen. Now look around and notice the details on the walls of the theatre. What do you see? Look up at the ceiling. See it inlaid with beautiful carvings. Now look at the screen again and see the title of a film. Read the words “Old Traumatic Scene.” Now imagine that you are floating out of your body and sitting ten rows in the back of yourself. You can see the back of your head and you can see yourself looking at the screen. Make an anchor with your left thumb and one of your fingers
Now ask yourself, “What do I get from this parent that satisfies my basic needs?” … “What do I want from that parent?” … Wait until you get an answer that touches you to the core —such as safety, security, protection from death, feeling that you matter, that you are lovable and worthwhile.… Now reconnect the attachment to your parent.
2. Express yourself
Whatever insecurities you have, whatever you have gone through during childhood, whatever your bads are; considering the fact no human is perfect. Affirming that, “I should not be judging myself; I am a better person now, mature enough to handle myself. It’s ok to make mistakes unknowingly but I accept it now and will work on it.”
In this process of expressing you can cry as much as you want, you can write or scream or share what you felt in childhood to anyone who is closed to you.
Most of the time we focus on current behaviour but we don’t know how subconsciously or unconsciously we are carrying the baggage from our childhood.
A leading Jungian child psychiatrist, Frances Wickes, states the matter rather well:
“Experiences of timeless realities may come to the very young child.… As he grows older, problems … press upon him. His ego must grow to meet the demands of greater consciousness and numinous experience may appear to be forgotten by the ego, but it is remembered by the self.…”
“Release yourself from past, before that analyze what’s the exact issue and why and work on it; heal and set yourself free.” – Monika Khatwani