I had moved to Mumbai from my house in Delhi to pursue my dreams in journalism with 2 other friends.
6 months later, I started identifying bizarre thoughts in my head and weird feelings in my body. I didn’t quite understand what it was, so I wasn’t paying much attention to it and hadn’t told anybody about it.
Gradually, these things began to take a toll on me. Every morning was difficult to rise to. Fatigue in my mind and body was overwhelming. Cells in my body put up a protest every morning when I’d try to wake up and leave for work and pleaded me to stay in bed for more time. My most favorite things in the world weren’t interesting to me anymore. I was finding reasons to escape from anything that required me to interact with people.
Work was one thing that I’d wait to come back to while leaving the office every day, I loved it so much, I still do…but even that felt like a punishment now.
For a significant amount of time, I kept blaming myself that I was just being too lazy and lethargic. It never came to me even in the slightest doubt that all these feelings could be symptoms of a mental health issue.
I did not discuss this issue with any of my friends and family because I thought it would go away after a while. But the issue just worsened as time went. I’d be calm one minute and then shout to walls on the top of my voice in the next. I’d frantically cry over petty things like not receiving a reply 10 minutes after dropping a text. Basically, I was an emotional chaotic mess.
After a few months of bearing with this emotional ordeal, I considered discussing it with my friends. They did try to discuss my strange behavior with me a few times before, but I did not want to talk. I told them about how I felt and described my thoughts. They suggested I visit a doctor to understand more about what this was.
Of course, I was reluctant but my friends insisted and accompanied me to one.
I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and I felt shattered. I did not know how to react to that. It was just not syncing into me. My friends stood by me as a rock of support but I had to tell my family. I felt the need to hug my mother and cry on her shoulder.
I had the most supportive family one could ask for and I shared great relationships with everyone in it. But somewhere inside me, I had this fear that they would not accept me after knowing about my illness because I was not able to accept it myself! It was so difficult to make peace with that fact. I did not have anything in my life that could trigger an issue like this. I was young, ambitious, doing well in my career, earning decently well, and had supportive friends and family.
What more would anyone want? Why did I have to face this issue!?
Well. With all these questions burning in my head, I mustered the courage to tell my family. They were shocked too. But they gave me all the assurance I need. My mother moved in with me to help and support through my treatment.
I began therapy. There were ups and downs throughout the process but my closest people helped me hold myself together. 10 months of therapy had brought a world of a difference in my life. It not only helped me build my emotional strength but also supported my professional performance.
At the end of therapy, I got a promotion at work. I was elated!!
It had taken me close to 2 years to feel normal again from the time I first felt the feelings of anxiety. The support, unconditional love and faith my near and dear ones showed in me through my rough times are the only reason that I am probably sane today. They could have chosen to abandon and judge me for how I was behaving, yet they stood by me and resolved to get me out from the most hopeless and dark phase of my life.
The awareness and acceptance my people exhibited are something that everyone suffering from problems like mine crave for, but it’s so sad to see that the society sees mental illnesses as something wrong. They are seen and branded as weak, mad, crazy, stupid, irresponsible and what not!
Nonetheless, having gone through the entire experience of having and healing from a mental illness, I have an entirely different story to tell.
Facing the issue and working towards coming out of it has helped me evolve as a stronger person unlike what people believe. It has given me the confidence that I can face anything in life. I feel like that process has made me so much more sensitive to others’ feelings and not to take them for granted ever! Having understood what it feels like to be lonely has taught me the value of having loved ones around you. It reminds me of the importance of expressing the care and concern that we hold for our dear ones.
I have always been an affectionate person, but today I am more expressive of it than I was before.
Sometimes, I just wonder if my mental illness episode has paved the way for a more fulfilling and satisfying life in contrast to how it is projected.
So many people become astonished to know that I had issues with my mental health and say “but you look so normal Neha!!”
That is because I am!! I have always been normal even while having the issue!
Such reactions from people have made me realize how much they misunderstand the entire concept of mental health and mental illness. This prompted me to work towards spreading awareness and normalizing mental health. I have been doing all that I can to encourage people to speak more on such issues.
In a way, I will remain ever grateful to this experience of having a mental illness because of how much it has helped me grow as a person!
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