Forgiveness: A Path To Inner Peace

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that, the prisoner was you.”

For a calm tempered person, I rarely lose my cool and get angry. However, when I do get angry, it comes at such high intensity which sometimes makes it hard for myself to see and think clearly. It becomes hard for me to stay at peace. It becomes hard for me to forgive anyone or anything that is causing my anger; be it my parents, siblings, best friend, teacher, or even me.

After talking and discussing with a lot of people, I realized it was not just me, but a lot of people face a problem with forgiveness. Not just people with a cool temper, but also hot-tempered people. A lot of us hold on to the anger, thinking that this is the only way to react because it feels right and justified. There is nothing wrong with thinking this way, but the problem arises when this anger gets in the way of your daily functioning like increased anxiety, heart rate, blood pressure, etc. The only way to subside this would be the path to forgiveness.

Forgiveness is generally described as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Since childhood, we were always taught to forgive others and give them another chance when we were wronged by them. But we don’t always find the heart to do so, do we?

We assume that forgiving others for their actions justifies their behavior. Forgiveness was never about that; it was never about whether their actions are justified or excusable. Forgiveness was always about us. Anger, resentment, and hatred are like cancerous cells. Once they are instilled in our minds, they eventually spread out from the mind to the body, polluting both our mental and physical health.

You could be wondering how is our physical health affected if we do not forgive someone. Research says that chronic anger puts you in flight-or-fight mode, resulting in changes in heart rate, and blood pressure. It also causes the immune system to weaken. What happens with those changes is that it increases the risk of heart diseases, hypertension, and diabetes. The very fact that our body gets affected due to unforgiveness proves that forgiveness is an act done for ourselves and not for the person/ people behind it.

Coming to mental health, anger brings a lot of burden and bitterness with it, harming our body and mind. We can all agree on the fact that anger also consumes a lot of energy. Holding on to it for long is just going to drain our mental, emotional, and physical energy, and eat you up from the inside. It gives rise to negative thoughts and destructive behaviors. It makes you impatient, distracted, increases the risk of depression, increases stress levels, and also anxiety.

Forgiveness is not the same as justice or reconciliation. It is not going to affect whether justice is done, but it is going to affect what happens inside of you. Research has shown that forgiveness is linked to mental health outcomes such as reduced anxiety, depression, and major psychiatric disorders, as well as with fewer physical health symptoms and lower mortality rates.

Each time we forgive, we grow. One hardest form of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves. Most of us are harder on ourselves than we are on others. We think punishing ourselves is the way to set things right. However, what we need to keep in mind is that forgiveness is the step to learning from our mistakes. Again, forgiveness does not mean letting ourselves off the hook. It means that we are letting go of a part of ourselves, of who we were in the moment that we did whatever it was. We owe that to ourselves

Nonetheless, forgiveness sounds very good and easier in theory than when it comes to the actual exercise. It takes a lot of practice and acceptance to reach it. Here are a few tips for you to guide you through the journey of forgiveness:

Journaling: Get a journey and pen down all your negative thoughts. Write down how the person made you feel and what you would say to them. Let out all your anger in the journal. Do not limit yourself. Write down exactly what you feel without filtering out any thoughts.
Beyond anger: It gets hard to see past anger when that is all you are consumed with. But, try to look beyond your surfaced, obvious emotions and you start trying to notice those smaller and quieter emotions. These emotions are just as valid as your anger but they will come of more help.
Practice empathy: When somebody has done you wrong, try to put yourselves in their shoes and try to understand why they did what did. It does not make it okay but it helps you get a better idea of what actually happened. It does not necessarily have to mean that doing this justifies their actions. Remember that we are doing this for our peace, not for validation.
Say it aloud: You can wish to tell the person that you forgive them or you can do it on your own. It is up to you whether you want to tell the person that you forgive them or not. If you are doing it on your own, do not just think of it and say it in your mind. You need to say the words “I forgive you” out loud and mean it when you say it.

Forgiveness does not happen in one second. It takes hours to days to months and sometimes even years. That very thing might discourage you but keep going on as the state of peace that you will attain after forgiveness is going to be blissful. It is a gradual process that might make it seem impossible but that is the thing about growth; it comes to those who have patience and the will to keep going ahead.