ABCs of A Healthy Relationship

I think none of us know what the main goal of life is, or rather, all of us consider different things as THE ultimate end. However, regardless of whether you are pursuing a life intending to make a lot of money, with the goal to see the world as much as possible, or even the hope to touch as many lives as possible, there is one aspect of life no one can escape. The key to a life without regrets, a life well-lived, are the relationships we create and maintain with others. We come into this world with parents, and possibly siblings. We make friends along the way. We have crushes that turn into relationships. Some of us marry and have a family of their own. At the end of the day, relationships are something that none of us can escape. Hence, it becomes extremely critical that we know how to make maintain and help these various relationships we have, blossom.

The first step to any successful relationship between two people, be it familial, friendly or business is being comfortable with yourself. Now several labels are attached to this, be it loving yourself, working on yourself, respecting yourself, or even being able to be by yourself. However, all of these finally boils down to being comfortable with who you are. Why is this so necessary?

Think about the last time you met someone. A common thought which all of us think at least a few times when we meet someone relatively new in our lives is, “How is the other person perceiving me as?” Now without knowing too much about how that person is, or what that person likes or dislikes, your brain has to come up with an answer to itself. So what does it do? It applies the human parameters of perception which it knows best, yours.

If you do not particularly like yourself, you automatically jump to the conclusion that the other person is judging you for who you are, even if they are enjoying your company. This causes a thought spiral, and when you convince yourself that the other person does not like you, you become extremely insecure and subconsciously sabotage your relationship with the other person. Hence, it is extremely important to be comfortable and happy with who you are, to prevent these insecurities.

The second thing to keep in mind is respect. It is essential to be able to respect not just the person but also all how he/she differs from you. Whether we are conscious of it or not, while we self-deprecate a lot, there is also a part in us which Narcissus would have been proud of. We tend to like people who are like us, in a bid to have more of us around. While this is not a bad thing, it also means that we have an inherent tendency to frown at the things which aren’t like us, but rather, vary from us.

The onus lies on us to overcome this very natural bias. It is essential to understand that even if people are different, most of us differ in the most beautiful ways possible. If you take a look at American schools and even Indian schools today, people have been slotted into groups like jocks, geeks, goths, theatre kids, and so on. What this does is eliminates the possibility of having good or “acceptable” relationships with people who fall under a different category. If we all just managed to respect the other person, not despite but because of their differences, your relationships would be much stronger and healthier.

Another key factor in a good and successful relationship with another person is communication. Communication and trust go hand in hand, especially when you talk about the familial or friendly relationship. Most problems arise from misunderstandings and the inability to get on the same page as the other person. The only way to get through this is to understand what the other person is feeling and where they are coming from. The only way to enable this is through communication.

Communication does not mean that you have to talk to them constantly about things like the weather or your work. Communication is a mark of intimacy. You have to be able to trust the other person to be able to convey emotions and things that bother you. It is essential to instill this trust and maintain open and honest communication. How can you ensure this? You can listen when the other person vents. You do not ALWAYS have to butt in with your suggestions: remember, the most important thing is to let the person talk. More importantly, never let this communication go just a single way. Any kind of relationship is always a two-way street, and you will reap what you sow.

While relationships are complicated things with a lot more nuances than just these three points, these are what I call, the ABCs of any relationship. No matter how hard you work at a relationship, if you fail to check one of these boxes, the relationship will fail. Make sure you work on these three points, to ensure a healthy, long-lasting relationship!