Many myths are perpetuated in society concerning emotional and psychological abuse. We must stop advising such myths to others without actual reality testing. Perpetuating such myths might make one feel that they are helping someone else, however even for the person who is in pain and distressed it worsens their distress as these myths are not completely authentic. So let’s see what the most common myths are.
The biggest Myth – That only the ones who we dislike are toxic to us
Usually, you might think that the ones who you hate are the ones who are toxic, but the truth is sometimes the ones you love as well at times could be toxic to you. We get enmeshed in them due to a phenomenon called Trauma Bonding – to simply explain this concept – it’s when we think, being abused also means being loved. But we aren’t aware that we are being abused.
A simple example of this is evident in the generations that existed before us. Mothers, fathers or teachers would hand out corporal punishments which included hitting, beating, burning. It was an accepted norm for ‘disciplining’ children. What is important to notice is the statements that were iterated when those punishments were being carried out and justified after the act as well -“ I am trying to teach you a lesson and am doing this because I love you and care for you”.
However, as we are becoming more civilized and educated we know that hitting someone or even slapping is now a punishable offence. We resort to violence when we aren’t able to manage a situation or don’t have control over our own emotions.
Even we at times, being a part of the current generation have vetted punishments for our children for not knowing exactly how to deal with bad behaviour. However we do feel guilty about it, we don’t justify our bad behaviour, we acknowledge our mistake and do our best to change our behaviour, learn and read up on resources wherein we can become more conscious parents and take measures to not repeat that behaviour.
If you remain positive the other person won’t be able to hurt you
Being negative towards someone is a natural response to a threat. Being aversive to something. When we touch a hot pan we take our hand away – with time we may develop tolerance to the heat – however, that doesn’t mean that fire itself won’t harm you. And you will feel uneasy when you go too close – it’s evolutionary – so when you have multiple experiences which are negative with a person – you will feel negative. Accept that and embrace that. It’s ok to feel that. Feeling negativity doesn’t make you a bad person. Once you feel safe and know the threat is over you will feel much more relaxed – that’s why many a time individuals think about the death of the person they hate or want to run away from them, or harm them – it’s one of this fight or flight response that is inbuilt in us due to evolution. But we are not cavemen or women – we live in a civilised society so the way we deal with these aspects has also evolved and there are better ways to cope.
Just ignore. Let it go it’s not a big deal
YOU are the one who gets to decide if it’s a big deal or not – for someone else something else could be a big deal but for you maybe it’s not – the same way – for you something could be a big deal and no one has the right to make you feel otherwise – they can have their opinions but so are you
Be the better person, understand their point of view and empathise. They are having a tough time so it’s ok if they treat you the way they do.
Why should perfection be expected from you, they may be going through something but that doesn’t give them the right to be mean to you. And for how long – one week or a month is understandable but there will be a point when that too is just too much. And does being a better person mean you cannot have boundaries or you cannot say no?
Keep yourself busy, have something to do
Yes, it’s good to keep yourself busy but how much to keep yourself distracted when the other person just doesn’t seem to be happy for you? It hurts and hurts bad when you have done everything you can but it still hurts. And even if you try doing something, something or someone keeps pulling you down. So the mantra is – Yes keep yourself busy – Busy surrounding yourself with people who are more encouraging than discouraging.
Not everyone is bad, you are exaggerating the situation, and each person has something good within them.
This one is true – however not in the context in which you are thinking – inherently good and bad are subjective and a matter of perspective. The same person who is mean to you can be completely different from someone else – they are capable of that. The same goes for someone who is nice to you but can be rude to someone else in specific situations and circumstances. But being so selfish that you have complete disregard for others’ opinions, values, emotions and desires would be categorised as bad behaviour.
Time will make it all better
It’s not time per se that makes things better .. but more the time passes – the more opportunities it might open up for good things to seep In, for good things to happen wherein the bad things become a distant memory. How much time you are willing to give to save a relationship and when – is all up to you. No one gets to decide that for you.
Only if YOU do this particular thing then things will get better – only if women didn’t have to go through monthly periods, only if there was equality and kindness around us, only if there was no corona .. so it’s important we adapt to the reality of things.