There Is A Door

‘Sitting there without an ounce of hope in my body, I stare aimlessly at the nothingness that surrounds me. The room is as empty as my mind, filled with nothing but void. Occasionally I hear thoughts of my own head disguised as voices speaking to me. The pitch black room that I have grown accustomed to seems to have no doors, no windows and no way out. How I got there is as immaterial as my need to get out. My entire being seems to be absorbed by the shadows lurking in the dark; waiting to slowly consume me before I even know it.

Gimmicks and limericks helped the day to pass by quicker; consuming anything that will help to numb the feeling and will help me forget. The feeling of unfathomable loneliness, knowing that being surrounded by a crowd of hundreds or sitting alone on a park bench in the rain does not make a difference. Alone is different from being lonely. Being alone can offer comfort; loneliness cannot. As gruesome as it feels to hear someone talk about it or to describe it yourself, these feelings become awfully mundane. Like a routine you can’t get out of. Desensitized to the monotone of my own voice and those who undermine me.

Waking up was a new world of hell I started to resent, hoping I could fall back asleep and drift into the world of dreams that made me the protagonist; that made me feel in control of my own life. Temporary moments of happiness became the most cherished things to me because somewhere in the back of my mind I paid more attention to the ‘temporary’ rather than the ‘happy’.

I constantly wanted to give up and when I asked myself why, the response was always that I’m tired. So very tired. The feeling of guilt and regret would then swallow me, demanding to know how I could have such thoughts when I should be feeling grateful for having this life. Pain overcame gratitude. Apathy reduced pain. To be hyper aware of everything that is happening to you and around you but being unable to do anything about it is a sense of helplessness I never want to feel again. I was afraid of the ridicule I would face if I ever spoke out my mind. After all, a penny for your thoughts would help only when you spend where your penny where it counts. But I wasn’t ready for that. To be regarded as a failure by those you look up to and those you look for during moments of vulnerability; I’m left here lost on my lonesome. I feel so empty. I feel so ashamed. The one who would jump around with joy with my feet in the air is now duller than the color of your coffee. I felt sorry for not being a fruitful reward for all your love and affection.

But the reality which appeared distorted to me is that love is unconditional. All love is. It is up to me to open up and trust you when I fall because you were already there ready with your open arms to catch me. That’s all I ever needed.

I sit still in the dark room of nothingness yet again. I got up and started walking toward the wall. There is a door.’

The state of mind I was in three years ago is something that I can’t fully describe but that would sum it up pretty well. I know what it is like to live aimlessly day in and day out without any true purpose. Moreover, to actually see someone you love or admire fall into that abyss is really painful. As someone who has been on both sides of the spectrum, I can tell it tends to be difficult on both parts.

One needs to fully understand and empathize with the pain the other is going through in order to actually help them. Often that does not happen since people tend to look at things from a third person perspective. On the outside there will not be much that meets the eye where you can pin point and tell that this is the problem and this is the solution.

It’s not that simple. But when you have an opportunity to take some time to comprehend the overwhelming feelings and emotions that the other is going through, making use of that opportunity would help in getting a broader perspective. Listening to them, giving them a shoulder to lean on; to cry on and to help them in making their worries go away is something so powerful yet it does not guarantee that they will get better and become happy. Nevertheless, your patience and support for the other is what will help in making a difference.

Mental health issues are frequently ignored or referred to as taboo even in today’s day and age. To have platforms and websites that actually motivate people to embrace and interact with those who share the same pain is like taking a breath of fresh air. For me, the fact that I am not the only one going through this and that there are people whom I can empathize with is one of the things I am genuinely grateful for in my life.