‘The worst feeling isn’t being lonely, it’s being forgotten’ (unknown). In the last few years we Indians have discussed at length and breadth on publishing and social media platforms on a range of topics, some of which have been, legally accepting LGBTQI as a community and their marriages, Me Too movement, Cricket India, Demonetization, etc. In this extravagant public display of our opinions rarely did I come across a thought provoking or a detailed discussion on the steps and measures the Indian families are taking towards managing and supporting the mental care of their elderly (defined as >/ = 60 years). While honestly I’m unaware of the current stats of our senior citizens, what I can certainly predict is this number is likely to increase rapidly in coming 20 years.
In my opinion mental health of our elders is the most neglected aspect both at the family and at the societal level. It is a taken for granted thought that they have been ‘genetically mapped’ to take care of their mental health all by themselves while their younger family members mostly focus on tending to their physical needs. As caretakers (mostly children), in our quest to better our lives and to create comfort for our next generation, we like to believe our elders require most support only when there’s a physical health scare. It’s as if our responsibility only entails this 3 step process – take them to the doctors’ clinic and diagnostic centers, sign up online or with the nearest drug store to stock up medicines on regular basis, and periodically review their medical schedule. Just doing this gives us a sense of satisfaction that we are effectively doing our duties as responsible families.
Since ages our goal to earn a better livelihood has forced us to look for career prospects outside our native cities or our country leaving our elders behind. In addition most families today are nuclear in nature – typically the father, the mother and one child who are living away from both sets of elder parents. There is also this new irony where parents might be living in a metro city but their children would have found greener pastures in another metro city. Parents may be unwilling to move out as they are now accustomed to living in their own house (“the nest”), the weather conditions, and the locality. It is hard for them to let go off their neighborhood, friends, relatives, family doctor, maid servant, technician, etc. whom they now consider as their extended family. Therefore most elders silently choose to live alone by themselves vs. moving closer to living with their children. They give into the fact that they will get to see their kids and grand kids occasionally.
Their typical day is spent tending to simple chores, staring at the pictures in the mobile/on the walls and eagerly waiting for that phone call at noon or dusk. With passing time, like their walking pace their memory starts to decline. The empty nest syndrome often makes them feel anxious or experience the fear of unknown. They would have picked up and reinforced certain beliefs such as, they are no longer capable of coping with technological advancements, visiting the doctor once a month is a must, it is usual for a person of their age to pop 3-4 pills a day and death is just round the corner. Therefore it is their assumption that life gets even harder post 60 years of physical age. In our life’s rat race we should remind ourselves irrespective of how healthy our elders are physically their mental health is equally important, has an impact on their emotional well being and therefore mandates a place in our priorities list. And why not, when we get older and beyond 60 years we might face same issues.
How then do we manage and support the mental care of our elders now?
First in line, I think we need to have meaningful deep conversations every now and then, conversations that equally allow both sides to speak and listen to each other. Example – our first experience of driving the car or cooking in the kitchen. Such conversations fires up their brain activity, brings back lost memories and makes them emotional. Within no time both sides would have walked down the memory lane together and discussed a bunch of other topics as well. But we get so busy and tired with our lives often I’ve noticed we respond to them as, “nothing much its life as usual,” making them feel less important in our lives.
Second in line in my mind is how involved are we in helping our parents transition smoothly from retirement round the corner phase to after retirement life? It is important we help them plan this new and next phase of life in advance because most elderly find it challenging to cope with doing ‘nothing’ soon after retirement. Not providing support at the right time might lead to mild depression and dementia especially in men and amongst those who have been living alone for a very long time. We could encourage them to pursue their passion, such as writing and publishing a book, helping them learn to make videos on a topic of their interest and uploading on social media, consider taking up part time work at an NGO, or providing consultant services.
Third in line are newer ways to enjoy recreational activities and opportunities to socialize with others. I am quite sure everyone including our elderly would be excited to watch good old and iconic movies like Sholay or Pakeezah on a bigger screen of a theatre. Or for that matter watch cricket matches in an open area with other crazy fans of the apartment or the locality.
I would like to conclude by saying I have written this article based on my interaction with senior and super senior citizens in my family and within my social circle. All views, thoughts, presented here are solely mine. In my opinion, most Indian women above 80 years of age lose interest in life with each passing day despite living in a supporting environment. Attributes that contribute to this loss of interest in life need to be researched further.
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