As a culturally collectivist society, we very often overstep personal boundaries and stretch ours out when it comes to wanting something or when someone wants something out of us. We were raised to believe that it is only in these acts that your family, neighbours, friends and relatives will know how much they mean to you.
Take a step and think of every time you didn’t want to answer a call, you didn’t want to make a call, you had to but didn’t want to attend a gathering, had to smile in a picture next to the one cousin that bullied you all through your childhood and that time you had to send flowers to the one person who always had something negative to say about what you wear, the way you look, your weight, your skin and even your degree.
Along the way, sometimes, we become the person who others never want to be around and that may be because we fail to realise each person’s boundary is different. It is impossible to be in tune with every single person but there are some basic things to remember (and it’s not too hard either).
Don’t give unsolicited advice.
It is a human impulse to put yourself in every situation you are presented with but that does not call for your advice unless you are asked. Every day you come across somebody that has their 2 cents to give on everything, do this, don’t do that, you have to do that and you must not think of this. DO NOT DO THIS!
If someone comes to you to vent, all you have to do is listen, nothing more and offer to help if you can.
Don’t comment on a changing physical appearance.
Don’t be the person that says ‘hey, you’ve put on some weight, went ballistic on the desserts eh?’ or ‘do you never eat?’ ‘you are just a bag of bones’ ‘what happened to your face, you had such clear skin’ ‘did you forget to wax’ and infinite other ways to make someone feel like less of a person because they look or don’t look a certain type of way.
Physical appearances are among the biggest reasons for insecurity, don’t add to it. If you REALLY want to compliment, say things along the line of ‘you look good’ or ‘you’re looking healthier’ or ‘the change suits you’ or ‘you’ve always looked wonderful’.
Don’t be somebody you wouldn’t want to be around.
Always assume the other person is a busy bee.
More often than not, we fail to see beyond our noses and we don’t understand that people have lives outside of work, college or friend circles. Don’t call somebody more than twice if they don’t answer, whatever they are doing is likely important, leave a message if you want them to call you back or you have to convey something important. Respect the other person’s work hours. If someone commits to giving you 4 hours a day, don’t expect a minute more, your employees, teachers, bosses, students and friends have to attend to things that you don’t know about. Respect the other person’s commitments.
Don’t waste anybody’s time!
Unless you are away on a vacation and you’re feeling nostalgic, don’t assume the person you’re with or speaking to has the whole day. Get to the point, convey your message and treat it as a business appointment. Some people have to juggle several things and taking up their time without reason is not the person you want to be. Quite likely they may begin to avoid you.
Accepting that they have a life beyond tending to you and/or your needs/issues or whims and fancies will go a long way.
When in doubt, ask.
If there is something that you don’t know or you’re struggling with, ask. Don’t assume a single thing, while your assumption may be right, always ask. In doing so, remember not to ask questions that have obvious answers. If you’re new to a workplace, and you don’t know the norms or don’t know how to do something, ask but ask after doing your bit of research. So it’s easier for you and the other person, don’t give them the work of treating you like the baby.
Don’t put somebody in a spot.
It may be easy for you to make choices between two important things, but most people cannot. And don’t make them. Everybody has complicated relationships that we know nothing about, so don’t be a trigger and make things harder for those that have already hard lives and things they can’t/don’t talk about. Stop asking for things along the lines of choosing between people and situations, making contributions, showing up for events or even doing extra work.
Apologise and acknowledge.
This has to be among the most important values we ever hold. If someone were to make you aware of something hurtful that you have said/done, DO NOT try and explain why you said/did it or that you did not mean it like that or that was not the intention or it was a joke. Accept that you were wrong in saying/doing so, apologise for it because it meant more than a passing comment or joke somebody than it did to you and acknowledge your mistake. Remember to not make the same offensive comments again with or without the presence of that person. And DO NOT make comments about the person or being corrected behind their back.
DON’T BE
Racist, sexist, casteist. We have enough and more problems that humans have created for ourselves and everyone else outside of our species, don’t be a parasite and ruin what’s already bad.
These are not greatly demanding values and require only little thought. If every person that imbibed these little things, maybe we’d live in a less judgemental and more thoughtful world.
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