Are You In A Codependent Relationship?

Do you know what a symbiotic relationship is? It is a ‘close and long-term biological interaction between two different biological organisms’. These interaction benefits at least one of the two participating organisms, while other can have either positive, negative, or neutral impact. We human also interact in a similar way, exception being that sometimes not even one of them have the benefit.

Oxpeckers is a bird that land on rhinos or zebras and eat ticks and other parasites that live on their skin. In this way, the bird gets food, and the beasts get pest control. Interdependency is similar to this. You have often heard that human is a social animal. Our lives are determined by people around us. Humans interact with each other in so many ways which one can’t even imagine, and it is also needed. Just think about thousands of people your life currently depends on, starting from your family or the person who built your car to an unknown person who wrote your book. This dependency is the basis of life for each one of us. We interact with each other and both are benefited.

But sometimes dependency is more than just simple economics or even feelings. Its compulsive, destructive, degrading and even toxic. Parasites, including ticks, fleas, leeches, and lice on the other hand, live on the body surface of the host and commonly cause diseases in the host. Co-dependency is a similar paradigm, where one might benefit from the relationship, but certainly other is not. It is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person. Here, one person enables addiction poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement in another person. Let’s discuss this fine line between healthy interaction (interdependency) and unhealthy reliance (co-dependency).

The major distinction between the two is the individuality and control. Interdependent behaviour is characterized by high level of individuality and low level of control which is opposite in the co-dependent behaviour. Originally, interdependence lies in a broad domain. But there is some relationship that stems from love, care, and concern. When this care or love increases, it becomes toxic such that it starts drawing limits and increasing control. This is when it starts to become toxic and leads to a parasitic relationship. What happens is when a person encourages the behaviour of the other person unconditionally, the other person becomes emotionally dependent on the prior. S/he is constantly looking for approval and soon starts to sacrifice his own need or perspective, and completely locates an external locus of control. Such vulnerability can even lead to disorders including Dependent Personality Disorder.

One of the major relationships which is the victim of co-dependency is the romantic relationship. Here, a partner needs constant approval and attention of the other partner. One partner needs the other, while the other needs to be needed. S/he develops a compulsive tendency of looking up to. The problem is the sensitivity of the line. You never know when the line is crossed and when you stopped being just caring or loving. The unique nature of the relationship exposes the partners to most vulnerable state, giving them both a sense of care and power. It is this power which presides in co-dependency.

Now the next question, if one person is already suspect to such relationship, how can one heal. Well, there is not a one stop solution, but there are some practices which can lead a road to recovery.

The primary step towards recovery is the transparency in the relationship. In any relation, it is very important to honestly transfer and discuss one’s feelings with each other. This will not only help in co-dependency but will help to develop a healthy relationship in general.
Find the locus of control and your happiness within yourself. Other should add to your emotions, but not the reason for those. There absence should not be a reason for your despair. Meditation and music are two such methods to relocate the locus.
Lift us the barriers of expectations from any relationship. Rather than considering what one should have done, what you can do to evade it. In this way, any behaviour by others will never be able to hurt you.
Boundaries in any relationship is always a positive step. Even if you are involved in each other’s life, one should have a separate personal life. Over involvement and over-investment can only lead to disappointment.
Couples counselling and therapies are always a last option. There is no shame in taking professional help from time to time.

All the behaviour can be regulated with little attention and help. It is very important to have healthy relationships and confident self. Nothing can give you more satisfaction that a self-sufficient inner world.