Assertiveness is the ability to clearly communicate your thoughts and opinions while being respectful of others view. Assertiveness is also seen as the ability to be able to command over a group to accomplish a task.
Of course, assertiveness is seen as a positive trait for individuals but at the same time it can come off as being negative – being bossy – when one is not being careful of respecting other’s boundaries.
Assertiveness is often viewed as a personality trait and personality is seen as a relatively stable set of behaviours, cognitive processes and emotional patterns. While some believe that personality is difficult to change, behaviourists (a school of psychology), believe that any trait or behaviour can be developed through practice and reinforcement. According to this school all behaviours are learnt, and this holds true even for traits like assertiveness.
Below we will discuss ways one can develop this trait of assertiveness at a slow but steady pace:
1. Recognise Your Abilities
The first step is always recognising your abilities.
- Are you a generally assertive person?
- In what situations do you recognise yourself not being assertive or as assertive as you wish to?
- What is the reason you find yourself not being assertive?
These are some of the questions that you must ask yourself before we understand how to develop the trait of assertiveness in yourself.
The most common reason as to why individuals find themselves being less assertive and more submissive are- intimidation, lack of confidence in self and not wanting to confront or upset the other person(s).
2. Start Small
The first step as we discussed is to analyse the reasons why one can be less assertive, and the next step is to address them. E.g.: if you find yourself not being assertive enough due to communication skills or strength in speaking the language- where you feel that you are afraid of making grammatical/pronunciation errors or what you say will be misconstrued. Make the effort to learn- take an online language training to develop your communication skills.
Another possible reason is lack of confidence in self or the topic at hand. This is a fear that a lot of people have, and it can be overcome with a little effort. If you find yourself in a group and talking about a something and you wish to rebut but are unsure instead give a counter question. By questioning, not only are you gaining more information and learning but, you are also indirectly rebutting by forcing the person speaking to look back at the flaws in their statement.
E.g.: person 1: I believe we are ready for execution.
You: are you sure we are ready? can we just go over this aspect of the strategy as I am not clear on something….
This will not only help you develop a sense of confidence in your intuition and knowledge, it is also allowing you to learn. A part of being assertive is to understand that you may not necessarily know everything but there is no harm in having confidence in what you know enough to believe it can carry out the task or communicate your thoughts.
3. Relationship With the Other Person
When trying to be assertive it is very important to consider your relationship with the other person and how to direct your statement.
- Always be respectful of other person’s perspective when communicating. Even if you believe that you are right, it is important to acknowledge the different perspective and understand it. This helps not viewing the other as a threat or opposition and focus on reaching a common ground.
- Use assertiveness as a process of reaching a common ground or conflict resolution rather than imposing your view on others.
- When being assertive make sure to communicate your feelings and opinions rather that trying to criticise the other person. Criticism is often received with hostility rather than acceptance. A good example is saying “I am starting to feel ignored” rather than “you are always looking down on me and ignoring me”
- Aim for an honest and open communication rather than just focus on communicating only your perspective. It is just as important to be an active listener as it is to communicate your perspective and emotions.
These are some things to keep in mind when developing the trait of being assertive. As discussed at the beginning, assertiveness comes with being respectful of other views as it is communicating your own
4. Be Assertive
The last step is to be assertive. Until and unless you take the final step it is impossible to be assertive. Yes, for some it can be difficult and cause anxiety, but it is important to stay calm, breath and communicate. You can always begin by practicing in front of a mirror or with a friend.
Do not let the fear of being wrong intimidate you. If you feel like you were wrong or misunderstood remember you can always clarify yourself. There is also nothing wrong in accepting your mistakes and learning from them.
Benefits of Being Assertive
Research has shown that those who are assertive make good leader, are less anxious and less stressed in difficult situations. Those who are assertive tend to also have more confidence and higher self-efficacy. Those who are assertive also tend to have lesser regrets as they can communicate their thoughts and do not believe in holding back and/or suppressing what they wish to say and do in each situation.
The Downfalls of Being Assertive
One cannot really poke holes into how someone being assertive can be negative. However, today where men and women are held are at different standards the trait of assertiveness can be viewed as a negative. Women who are assertive, especially in a workplace or a group they are viewed as bossy. Some even believe that being assertive prevents one from being kind and compassionate.
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There is only one thing that I would say in conclusion. Being assertive and confident in doing what is right and getting the job done is never wrong or negative. Coming to the aspect of being compassionate and kind, assertiveness does not reduce an individual’s ability of doing that. One can be assertive while being kind and compassionate. E.g. parents can be assertive about the rules of the house while being understanding about their feelings it is a parenting style called authoritative parenting.
Developing a trait of assertiveness is always a positive. Communicating your feeling and thoughts is just as important as being mindful of other’s thoughts and perspectives.
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