Need For Intimacy

That’s how it goes: Whenever we come across a new person at a party, on a social website, or through common friends; before we know it, we start talking about relationships we have had in order to get acquainted about each other. Did you ever notice this before?

In fact, our mental states and daily life concerns depend a great deal on the intimacy we share with people around us.

We are indeed genetically pre-programmed to form attachments to our primary caregivers that not only provide us with a secure base to explore our world, but also form a foundation for all the relationships we form during our lifespan. Thus, our relationships from the very beginning in our life determine our social, cognitive and emotional development. In fact, valuable social interactions and establishing desirable relationships are one of the most essential motivational forces that drive us to achieve academic qualifications and well-paying jobs.

There is some natural drive in each one of us to establish intimacy and maintain relationships, success or strains in which directly impact our sense of satisfaction and ‘wholeness’, even to the point of pushing us to experience depression and psychosomatic issues. Even vice-versa is true – when we consider any form of disability or disorder, our primary concern becomes the disruption in social-emotional aspects of our life.

However, in this day and age in which technology has overpowered our lives, the epidemic of social networking has rather sabotaged the communication and intimacy in our relationships- with others and our self.

Starting right from infancy, children are given access to smartphones and television to stay busy while their parents are busy with their online lives, thus compromising on the important foundation in the children, that of establishing attachment in relationships. With  modern dating juxtaposed with old societal taboos, gender roles versus gender equality debates, higher professional ambitions, and increased struggle for financial security in both males and females, more and more people are talking about having been ‘damaged’ in relationships and being afraid of intimacy and commitment.

All in all, we have put conditions upon our basic human need for intimacy which have impacted our patterns of establishing trust, maintaining effective communication or even the way we sever ties with people. We can say that the relationships we have with significant people in our lives unconsciously set a tone for our professional success, our mental states, social activities and general wellbeing. 

While we still basically seek satisfaction of needs for belonging, for being understood and accepted as we are, we may forget that relationships are work too: they can be built, and if required, rebuilt so that they support our pursuits for wellbeing.

What are these blocks in seeking our need for intimacy? How can we build/ re-build intimacy in our relationships?

The jigsaw puzzle

What we seek in others is a direct reflection of images from the past that we associate with love we received from our parents, relatives and friends. This left a significant mark on us, what deficits we need to make up for, or at least what makes us whole. It is rather accepted in hundreds of research studies done, that while males often seek the compassion they observed in their mothers,  females seek the security and the pampering that they get from the fathers. We make an image of the other person, or see them holding a piece of the jigsaw puzzle that we are – meant to fit each other like pieces of a puzzle – where one curves out, the other curves in.

This is a very interesting idea indeed, for there is something about our partners that invariably makes us feel ‘at home’. We feel that we can truly relate to them; that they complete us. What it actually implies is that both partners are good in some areas and need work in others thereby helping each other build a comfortable, assuring and trusting zone around each other.

Thus, remembering the spaces that both partners fill in each other’s life, and working as a team to help each other feel complete and together deal with challenges, can help restore this need for intimacy.

Sense of mutual respect

At the beginning of a relationship, we are submerged in our feelings, and we don’t see any flaws in our partners. They appear ideal to us. But sooner or later, the spell wears off and we see a regular person who is not always entirely similar to us, with their own weaknesses and flaws. Family members live and interact with each other enough that they know and learn to deal with other person’s ‘flaws.’

We seek those who will respect and accept us – respect differences, accept the very essence of our persona. In doing this, we need to recognize each other’s right to not be ‘ideal’. It is very important not to try to change the other person, and not to lose sight of their virtues.

One of the most important prerequisites for intimacy is thus looking beyond our ideal image of the other person and respecting the other for their differences as well.

Healthy communication patterns

Thinking and linguistic abilities make humans the advanced beings that they are, in a way that it facilitates the fulfilment of our basic social and self-expression needs. However, the significance of communication is especially evident when it is disrupted.

Some factors that may contribute to disrupting the communication are:

First and foremost, there are fundamental differences in communication patterns between gender and age groups. As research studies, comedians and entertainment channels from across the world observe that while females seek to establish collaboration, agreement and connection, males are dominated by their competitive spirits. While females listen more, males tend to listen only as much to process what’s useful. Further, elders demand that the younger ones respect and agree to them on the basis of their experiential expertise, no matter how things may change.

Secondly, with the advent of technology, communication has been impacted by shifting of medium from face-to-face to phone calls to texts and status updates through social networking sites. Thus, others’ willingness to be involved in any relationship is now determined by their frequency of calls, initiative and responsiveness in texting conversations, leaving us feeling more misunderstood, or lonely.

Third, avoiding and escaping confrontation and limiting feedbacks and emotional disclosures in relationships are continuing to sabotage the relationships today, as the personal sense of inadequacy is making us more intolerant.

Considering these factors, there is nothing as effective as meeting face-to-face, talking out and spending time together. Establishing something as simple as the pact of letting go of the conflict before going to sleep can contribute a great deal to the wellbeing of both persons and thus the quality of relationship.

Language of love

Love and intimacy aren’t always about how much we love a person, or what efforts we make. It is important to focus on how the other person feels loved or prefers intimacy.

Gary Chapman, Ph.D.—author, speaker, and counsellor suggested that everyone prefers a certain language of love, over others. These 5 love languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation: Encouragement, appreciation, recognition through words.

2. Physical Affection: Seeking affection through an assuring touch in a way they appreciate.

3. Receiving Gifts: Thoughtful, useful gifts.

4. Quality Time: Spending focused time together, getaways.

5. Acts of Service: Helping you with some task.

We may make efforts for our partners, loved ones and friends, but may not necessarily feel acknowledged or valued, mostly because we do it as per our own convenience, or in the love language we ourselves prefer.

It is better to find out from the other what their preferred love language is and help the other person know how you feel appreciated. This may not only save each other’s time and energy, save each other from disappointment, but rather build intimacy in the relationship.

Maintaining intimacy

We often find that establishing intimacy in relationships can still be easy, however maintaining it is hard and sometimes stressful work.

As break-ups, loveless and estranged marriages and relationships, severing of ties among relatives, divorce rates, infidelity, and increasing number of miscellaneous factors influence our social psyche, the quality of our relationships – with self and others – gets affected too.

In fact, the uproar of the speed-dating culture is a result of the need for intimacy as well, in a way that individuals seek to compensate the lack through sexual encounters.

It is really important that while we seek our own interests and need personal space and time; to maintain and enhance intimacy in any relationship, the persons involved need to cultivate shared interests to increase the quality time spent together, sense of understanding and acceptance of each other. 

Also, focusing on our relationships with ourselves, being aware of our own blockages and complexes developing in each relationship, and clearing them by communicating with other can help a great deal in maintaining a healthy relationship with the others. I strongly emphasize on this: A person’s relationship with one’s self sets the tone for his/her relationships with others.

Summarising the whole discussion, here are some CHEAT CODES you could use to establish intimacy in your relationships:

• Teamwork
• Temporary situations, permanent relationship.
• Give respect, get respect.
• Acknowledge, listen and recognize similarities in efforts.
• Focus on what the other wants.
• ME, YOU, and OURS (shared interests)
• BFF: Be friends first.

No matter how complex our social relations become, no matter how modern we become, we will always continue to seek belongingness to thrive in our lives. In fact, the essence of establishing and maintaining intimacy in our lives will always remain central to our sense of being, even as our sense of individuality continues to grow in world as we know today.