How To Be A Better Listener In A Friendship

When we were in kindergarten, making friends was one of the first things that we were taught to do. Ever since then, making new friends and maintaining existing friendships were things that we learned to do one our own. As childhood moved from adolescence to adulthood, learning how to nourish a friendship became an increasingly important task that we had to learn how to perform day after day.

Taking care of any kind of friendship is an incredibly important thing that we must do, because these are relationships that we form and develop outside of familial ones. A crucial part of being a good friend is learning how to be a good listener. While you may pride yourself on being one already, there may have been times when you weren’t doing as good a job as you thought you were. In order to truly hear what your friend is saying instead of only listening to them, here are some ways to be a better listener.

Cut out distractions: Learning how be a good listener starts with being fully present in the moment with the person who is speaking to you, especially if this conversation takes place in person. If a friend comes to you with a problem that they would like do discuss, set the stage and make sure that they have your undivided attention. Put your phone on silent, close the book you were reading and sit comfortably in a place that doesn’t invite other distractions. If you keep responding to text messages or let your eyes wander around the room, you are giving off the impression that you don’t care very much about what your friend is saying to you. Paying attention doesn’t take much effort, so simply focus on the person in front of you wholeheartedly.
Communicate nonverbally: When your friend is speaking, try not to butt into what they are saying. Instead, show them that you are listening. You could start by making direct eye contact and being open with your body language. Do not slump in the chair you’re sitting in; this could give them impression that you are uninterested in what they are speaking about. Instead, sit straight. Additionally, try not to move too much. By fidgeting, you may appear distracted and bored, or even dismissive. By communicating nonverbally, you are showing them that you definitely listening, and that you care about what they have to say.
Don’t make it about you: In a situation where you are able to relate to what your friend is taking about, it may be tempting to wait for a pause in the conversation and then jump in by talking about a similar experience that you have also been through. While you may mean well, narrating a story of your own takes the focus away from what your friend wanted to discuss with you. You may also come across as uninterested or unconcerned about the problems of other people. Your friend needs a listener, not a speaker. While you may find that you are focusing on things that you would like to share with them to help them through their experience, you may also miss out on what they want to share with you. If you feel as though you must share a similar experience, let them finish and then ask them if they would mind you sharing as well. If your friend has a problem with you that they want to discuss, let them make whatever points they want to before interrupting. The discussion is about what they have going on, not you.
Reflect back on things they are saying: Communicate with them by reflecting their thoughts or feelings back to them. You must not interrupt them, but this does not mean that you should be a passive observer either. By saying things such as “you must have been so angry” shows that you were listening to what they were saying, while also allowing them to continue expressing themselves freely. By reflecting their experiences, you are also normalizing it, thus creating a safe environment of trust and safety.
Ask questions whenever necessary: By asking questions at regular intervals, you are helping them get whatever they need to off their chest, while also prompting them to share as much of their experience as possible. Ask your friends questions about how they felt about a certain incident, what caused them to respond a certain way, or in what ways they plan to move forward in the future after they deal with the problem or situation they are speaking to you about. In communicating with your friend, you are showing them that you were listening to what they were talking about while also being able to help with advice if they ask for it.
Ask them why they aren’t telling you something: In a situation where the problem at hand is one that involves both you and your friend, ask them questions about what is bothering them. Assess the relationship between the two of you, and have a discussion accordingly. If you feel as though they aren’t telling you something, ask direct questions and prepare yourself for an answer that you may not want to hear. A big part of being a good listener is showing that you are willing to listen at all to what the other person is saying.
Tell your friend when you are not ready to listen: While you may want to be there for them as many times as you can be, there may be times when you aren’t in the best frame of mind to be able to listen to them. In this type of situation, be honest with your friend. Do not invalidate what they are going through, but instead, tell them clearly about how you feel, and that you would like to have the particular discussion at a later date. As important as it is to prevent them from feeling invalid, you mustn’t invalidate your own experience either. Communicate honestly, and move forward.